Relationship Recon for High Achievers

“You must be your own before you can be another’s.”- Emerson

When a rant on dating had 2k+ shares on Facebook, I knew I had struck a nerve with people. Dating was the last thing I expected to resonate, especially considering the source.

So here’s a Relationship Recon list created from a few points of view. It’s geared toward dating, but it applies to friends and family as well. I hope it helps someone who needs to hear it. -Julie

Number 1. Don’t make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

2. If you’re giving everything you have and it’s still not enough, you’re giving it to the wrong person.

3. Staying with bad company is keeping you from finding the right company.

4. Love and kindness are unconditional; trust and respect are not.

5. Relationships are never neutral; if yours are bringing you down, stop trying to force things to work and let them go.

6. Don’t be an afterthought. Signs you are an afterthought: last minute invites, only talks to you when they are lonely, drunk, or when they want something.

7. If someone repeatedly lets you down or disappoints you, that’s on you. Stop setting yourself up.

8. Don’t go the extra mile for someone who’s not even willing to meet you halfway.

9. Don’t let someone get comfortable with disrespecting you.

10. If the person doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you better, they aren’t. Stop trying to prove that you’re worth knowing.

11. Sometimes it takes the absence of who you are to remind someone how good you’ve always been.

12. Stop worrying about people who aren’t worrying about you.

13. If someone genuinely cares about you, there should be no confusion over how they feel or what you are to them.

14. Don’t chase. If someone’s into you, they will invite you places. Don’t be “too” available.

15. If you don’t like drama, quit playing games. Don’t tolerate people that play games.

16. Be wary of people that take hours to respond to a text, yet when you’re with them are always checking their phone.

17. Don’t set boundaries; enforce them. Remind them who you are with actions, not just words.

18. Be aware when someone is more interested in keeping you happy than they are making you happy.

19. Be aware if you turn into someone else when around someone. It often involves dumbing yourself down to fit their perceptions in order to get them to like you, or disguising your beliefs to fit what you think they will accept.

20. What you allow is what will continue. You can’t change the way someone treats you; you can only change how you react to it.

21. If something is costing you your inner peace, it is too expensive.

22. Stop compromising your happiness to fit theirs. You deserve to have your needs met too. If they aren’t being met, stop acting like it’s okay. Parents: Do not “hang in there” for your kids. This will only manifest in worse ways later.

23. If you tell someone you don’t like something and they keep doing it, their respect for you is nonexistent. Stop expecting a different outcome.

24. Some people will never see you the way you wish they would, no matter what you do. Accepting this will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

25. If you commit to a halfass relationship, expect halfass behavior.

26. Don’t put yourself on hold for a person who is unattainable now.

27. And lastly: People who truly care about you want to see you reach your potential. If someone is distracting you from your goals, they aren’t going to enhance the relationship — they will only hinder it.

So why do we put up with it? Why do we keep allowing things we wouldn’t with anyone else? Why do we lower our standards at the worst times with often the worst person? Why do we stay in bad relationships?

a) You genuinely care about them despite how they treat you.

b) You choose to only focus on the good parts of having someone, and not being alone.

c) You focus on only the best parts of them, and try to minimize, deny, or ignore the worst.

d) You choose to believe they can be better if they really wanted to, so you wait for it.

e) You want them to know your love and loyalty is unconditional, so you tolerate bad behavior.

f) You accept poor treatment to show them you won’t be driven away easily, and that you’ll be there even when things get bad.

g) You want them to know they can be themselves around you, and trust you not to hurt them because they’ve been hurt before.

h) Giving makes some happier than receiving, so when it’s one-sided the giver puts their needs on hold, or deems them not worthy/deserved/that big a deal. This leads to repressed emotions, eggshell walking, and censorship that eventually comes out amplified later.

i) You act like it doesn’t hurt and try to convince yourself it’s okay.

j) You want them to know that you won’t give up on them, no matter what.

k) You reason that if they’re not with you, they’ll just move on and be with someone else — so it might as well be you.

l) You pretend like you’re okay with it so they’ll keep talking to you and including you in their life.

When do things end? When you get tired of hurting. When you stop letting people control and manipulate your emotions. Accepting someone’s faults is one thing; putting up with perpetual disrespect is another.

The brutal truth: People will tolerate pain when they care about someone, whether through naivety or full knowledge. But here’s what most don’t want to hear: The person hurting you is not responsible for your feelings. You are. It’s often not a relationship problem — it’s a boundary issue(s). Read the book ‘Boundaries’, or ‘Necessary Endings’, by Dr. Henry Cloud.

If you do find yourself in a toxic relationship, face the truth and let them go, then start the process of forgiveness. It is a process, because it involves mixed and complex feelings. Forgive yourself; forgive the person who never saw your worth. Take from the experience the positives that you can, and learn from the mistakes you made so you won’t repeat them. Always remember that forgiveness isn’t for them — it’s for you.

The right person is looking for you as much as you are for them. Work on yourself in the meantime in order to be everything they deserve when you find them. Then spend the rest of your lives giving each other the world, because the love you have to give is worth the wait.

P.S.

“Love is the expression of one’s values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person, the emotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another.” -Ayn Rand

“Trading in revenge for forgiveness is a profound shift of power, because forgiveness allows you to move forward.” -Jacy Topps

“We are all fools in love.” -Pride and Prejudice